I write this in a much better headspace right now but only hours ago I was entertaining thoughts of suicide. This is not something I am happy to be saying but its not easy to be waking up everyday being ashamed of who you are. I wish I didn’t like Cannabis , I wish the first time I tried it I hated it, I wish Cannabis never even existed but it does and I do like it. I don’t like it because its cool or some rebellious thing to do. No, I liked Cannabis because it benefitted me when I consumed it and just like society shouldn’t shame people out of loving a same sex partner we shouldn’t be shaming people for liking to consume Cannabis. Its nothing but discrimination, we have normalised terms like “drugy” or “junkie” for people who use illegal drugs and now we have judges giving unsolicited medical advice when they are not qualified to do so.

Thoughts of suicide are not something that are new to me as I would of been having these thoughts as young as 10. When I was younger I was bullied quite a bit, my family had moved away from the Glen and over to Ballyvolane(just about a 10minute walk away). Growing up there had its good and bad times but some of the bad times were really bad. The bullying consisted of name calling (paki was regularly used) and sometime beatings. I would never really stand up for myself or fight back as the times I did it would go from 1 person hitting me to 3 or 4 .

So once I was old enough to walk to the glen and hang out with my cousins I was gone. I would often spend days up there , staying in my nans or cousins house just so I didn’t have to go back to Ballyvolane. It was my cousins (Philly and Ozzie(RIP) ) who introduced me to cannabis in the form of “soap bar” hash. Before I had tried hash I can remember saying to my cousins that they shouldn’t smoke it because it melts your brain but once I was offered the opportunity I didn’t refuse. I didn’t want to give this group of friends a reason to reject me, I just wanted to be part of the group.

Anyway I tried the hash and it was an incredibly enjoyable experience, we laughed, we ate food, we watched movies, and listened to music. The important thing is we were staying out of trouble as others around us would be out robbing cars and while we would just chill get a nodge, some munchies and watch “Accelerator” again.

I was working at this time with my Dad so I would have money to buy the hash. I would buy the hash and quite often I would find myself selling quarters to the lads off my Oz (ounce) . I would get the Oz for €90 or sometimes even €75 and I could sell the lads a quarter for €30. This led to me for a while at the age of 15 being effectively a drug dealer, selling just hash. Luckily I was never caught at the time as quite often as soon as I got my Oz the lads were there with me waiting on their quarters. The lads didn’t have jobs but they went to Youth Reach who gave them an allowance if they showed up and they would just spend that on hash.

All was going well until at 17 I had my first run in with the Law. This left me shook, it was a very traumatic thing to have to go through . For a guard to be searching your car for Cannabis when you have a nodge in there is scary . I just gave the nodge worth about €20 to the guard when stopped and yet she still ripped my car apart afterwards obviously thinking I had more than what I admitted to. I couldn’t help but compare the feelings that evening to the feelings I had when my so called friends would gang up on me. The hash at the time was doing me no harm, still today I see no negative health consequences to my Cannabis consumption and if it was so bad for my health surely a medical intervention would of being more appropriate than the criminal approach.

I went home after that experience motivated to find a way to stand up to these bullies who want to not only take away my cannabis but want to criminalise me for using it. Then over a year later a summons for court arrived, it was delivered by Gardaí and given to my Mam. This created a divide between me and my family as they were ashamed to be having the guards calling to the door delivering a court summons. I cant help but think they were also ashamed at having a “drug dealer” son. This left me in a very vulnerable state, it was the first time my “drug” use made me feel suicidal. I felt suicidal because I hated myself for liking cannabis and bringing this shame on family and myself. I felt like there was something wrong with me, I felt like an outcast in my family and I could of very easily fell into a life of addiction and drug abuse.

I didn’t, instead of self pity, self hate and using alcohol and other drugs to escape the pain of it all I chose to stand up for myself and use my life experience to make sure others do not suffer as I have suffered because of Cannabis prohibition. I chose to stand up and fight for my good name restored and not to have to wake up ashamed of being a criminal. I want to be able to love and care for my kids fully and not have my ability to travel or work limited because I consume Cannabis.

Its not been an easy battle there has been times I have come close to quitting. There are times when the guards would have me so wound after a stop and search it would take me days, even weeks to get my mind back to normal. I received a summons back in June of 2020 for €10 worth of Cannabis I was caught with in April 2019. My Mam rang me while I was out cycling around Cork city with my daughter. I actually remember it quite well, I got the call on “Goal Bridge” and the day up until then was glorious the sun was shining, Alexis was having a great time out on our cycle but after the phone call the mood changed. My ability to enjoy the present moment had gone I was now stuck in my head thinking about court and talking to the judge. I would become very distracted over the coming months with most of my waking moments spent thinking how I was going to bring this prohibition to an end so I can get on living my life not labelled a criminal.

This is what first motivated me to stand up and lit the fire that drives my passion and commitment still today. However when I watched Rick Simpson’s “Run From The Cure” documentary and I started to learn about the medicinal side of Cannabis the fire intensified. Then came along Vera and Ava and all the other patients needing access and each of their stories has turned that fire into an eternally burning fire that will keep me committed to this fight right to the very end. I now have a BSc Honors in Herbal Science and an even better understanding of Cannabis and how it interacts with the Human body and I can for sure say statements like Judge Staines couldn’t be further from the truth. Saying that consuming Cannabis will cause mental health problems is like saying your going to die in a car crash to anyone who drives or gets into a car. As we better understand cannabis and mental health its becoming clearer that quite often people with mental health problems will use cannabis before being diagnosed and under a model of prohibition the Cannabis is then blamed for the problem. As its easier to for a health professional like Bobby Smyth or Mary Cannon to say Cannabis is the problem rather than sit and talk with a person to discover any underlying issues.

Thanks for reading. I hope it wasn’t to depressing a read and if anyone out there is having a hard time right now and wants to talk you can message me via social media or drop me an email so we can chat.

Cannabis prohibition is an anti Human policy and it needs to end!